George W. Bush declares victory as ISIS beats Al Qaeda

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As reports emerge that Al Qaeda is nearing defeat at the hands of ISIS, former U.S. President George W. Bush is declaring victory. The controversial president is now saying his decision to invade Iraq has finally been vindicated.

“If we didn’t invade Iraq, tear the country apart, and fail to put it back together again, the conditions to create ISIS would never have taken root. Al Qaeda today, would still be stronger than ever.”

ISIS has emerged the undisputed victor in the battle between terrorist-jihadi organizations. Reports out of Iraq suggest that Al Qaeda has been so decimated that it has taken to selling veiled Girl Guide cookies just to raise funds, a claim even Bush disputed.

“Everyone knows you can’t veil a cookie. Forget it, Al Qaeda is finished because our hard fought efforts laid the foundation for ISIS to finish the job.”

To mark the occasion of Al Qaeda’s impending defeat, Bush was seen dusting off his “Mission Accomplished” banner, which he has hung across the entrance to his Crawford ranch.

Bush also noted that ISIS is battling Syrian president Bashar al-Assad and the militant group Hezbollah, two U.S. adversaries. He expressed hopes that ISIS will be as successful with them as with Al Qaeda. “Then,” he said, “the Middle East can finally have some quiet.”

Josh Scheinert
Reporting for the Lapine

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