“God Hates Benches”

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STARKE, FLORIDA – Westboro Baptist Church has changed their hate-filled slogan from “GOD HATES FAGS” to “GOD HATES BENCHES” as they began to picket the atheist “bench” monument unveiled in Starke, Florida.

“Benches are for fags,” said red-faced Westboro Pastor Fred Phelps, sitting in a Lazy-Boy recliner on the lawn of the church’s headquarters in Topeka, Kansas, to announce the picketing.

“And this devil’s bench will draw Godless fruity asses to it like flies to a Spam sandwich.”

The small granite bench and slab is the first monument in North America to honor atheism. It is inscribed with words from Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin and others who believed in the separation of church and state, and was erected to counter a new granite statue built nearby bearing the 10 Commandments made famous in the Bible.

“Their god hates a piece of furniture because it’s an atheist? Really?” said David Silverman, president of American Atheists that funded the monument. “Does he also hate fridges that make ice cubes? Anything from IKEA that comes with one of those evil little wrench things?”

The WBC has gained global media attention since 1991 when it began protesting homosexuality and linking it to the supposed demise of the United States. Specifically, the church pickets funerals of any American, the more famous the better.

In the past three years, however, the WBC has cancelled most planned funeral pickets after volunteer security was provided by groups as varied as the Hell’s Angels, entire professional sports teams, retired vets, and various community groups. Several WBC members have been attacked in the past and reportedly sprayed with Axe Jungle Sex Deodorant.

No Westboro picketers have shown up yet in the tiny town of Starke but local Chick-fil-A manager Ernie Elderado says there have been “busloads of pretty weirdy people coming just to sit on that bench from hell.”

“But they’re cheap atheist assholes so far…not buying my chicken at all. ”

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine

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