Gov. Christie Rescues Blind Homeless Lesbian and Her Puppy from Drowning in Hudson River
TRENTON — New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is refusing all media interviews after FOX News reported today that he plunged into the freezing waters of the Hudson River to rescue a blind, African American, lesbian, homeless, marijuana addict and her adorable puppy.
“Some witnesses report that the Governor looked fit and trim as he sprinted down a hill and dove headfirst into the icy water with not a second’s thought for his own safety,” said FOX’s Megyn Kelly reporting on the reportedly dramatic rescue.
“Swimming with powerful strokes against the current, he was able to reach the sightless woman and her puppy and pull them safely to shore.”
Governor Christie (R) continues to be coy about possibly running to be the GOP candidate for president in 2016 but his office firmly denied that the “unbelievably brave rescue” was staged, did not happen at all, or is a publicity stunt in any way.
“Some witnesses say dozens of people were shouting and watching as the dark-skinned, frizzy-haired woman in tattered clothes and her 12-week-old furry little puppy “Boo” flailed in the turbulent waters of the Hudson,” reported Kelly.
“One woman who wanted to remain anonymous said Christie was doing his regular directing of traffic on the George Washington Bridge ramp from Fort Lee to keep traffic moving smoothly for all citizens of his great state, as he has always done, when he spotted the woman in distress and ran full-out towards the water, calling 911 on his iPhone 6 as he sprinted to the rescue.”
“The crowd then watched as Christie pulled the pair to shore and administered mouth-to-mouth for her and her puppy until an ambulance arrived and rushed the poor down-on-her luck lady and her puppy away,” continued Kelly.
“Chris Christie is a humble hero. He’s my kind of Governor.”
The Trenton Times reports that they have been unable to locate witnesses or the rescued woman at local hospitals at press time.
Reportering for The Lapine