WASHINGTON — Tiny 83-year-old Ida Stanley was taken into police custody early today after she attempted to handcuff and haul away Senator Ted Cruz for “crimes against sanity.”
“Rafael Edward Cruz, I hereby arrest you for being an egotistical asshole,” Mrs. Stanley shouted in front of media cameras as she approached the Junior Senator from Texas outside one of his D.C. homes.
Senator Cruz seemed startled by the white-haired woman walking towards him and immediately ducked and hid behind a nearby old oak tree.
“You have the right to remain silent…and wouldn’t that would be a nice change,” Mrs. Stanley continued as Cruz’ security officers forced the grandmother of four to the ground and “disarmed” her of the toy, plastic Batman handcuffs she had in her hand.
“You have the right to not flap your gums…to cease and desist with cheesy grins,” Mrs. Stanley kept shouting despite being restrained with her arms pinned behind her back.
“To stop talking down to Americans when you’re really not that smart.”
“If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you…but I think the $1.3 million you got from Comcast to neuter the internet should cover those costs easily.”
Immediately after Mrs. Stanley was “neutralized” by at times up to 6 plainclothes security agents, Capitol Police placed her in the back seat of a cruiser where she smiled and made the V peace sign through the wire-meshed window.
Capital Police Public Safety officer Cliff Walls later told the Washington Post that Mrs. Stanley would not face charges of “domestic terrorism and endangering a public figure” and was being released into the care of her granddaughter and two grandchildren.
“I can confirm that Senator Cruz has applied for a 500-yard restraining order and has requested Mrs. Stanley undergo a background check and be banned from possessing weapons,” said Walls.
“Mrs. Stanley reminds me of my Nana,” he added.
Comcast has reportedly cut off Mrs. Stanley’s cable and internet service.
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