Greece Ditches Euro for Canadian Tire Money

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ATHENS — Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras beat the European Union to the punch today by dumping the Euro and making Canadian Tire money Greece’s new national currency.

“Europe can bite our gyros. Greece is back,” said Tsipras to a throng of reporters gathered at the Acropolis.

“Canadian Tire money has been a trusted currency since 1958…the Euro a piddly 23 years.”

“I mean everyone has a glove-box full of delightfully coloured Canadian Tire bills…the soothing grey 5 cent bills right up to the plucky plum $2 bills.”

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Europe and their banks wanted to put Greece on a dog collar and take us for a walk,, and they wanted us to stop making Feta cheese because they do not like it on their pizzas. Canadian Tire makes no such demands and offers Greeks a complete range of replacement car parts.”

“Sandy McTire”, the tam-clad Scot currently on the front of Canadian Tire money, will be replaced by a new bolder, balder image based on Telly Savalas, according to Tsipras.

“Yep, it’s been an open secret on the streets for months,” said Alan Baldwin, an analyst with a Bay Street venture capital firm in revealing that talks have been quietly taking place between the Canadian company and the financially troubled Greece.

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The switch is seen in world financial circles as a brilliant if unorthodox move.

“Yes, Greece has told the austerity lady Merkel to bugger off, as the Canadian Tire people say,” said a source in Greece’s Finance and Loans Department, which is located above the famous Athens Souvlaki Takeout. “We not need get approved from IMF, ECB, other busybodies. Canadian Tire is businessmen, they easy to work with.”

Asked whether it would have been better to revert to the former Greek currency, the drachma, the spokesman succinctly replied, “Yamhosu!”*

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“Canadian Tire has agreed to start carrying Greek olives in vacuu-packs right along side their dehydrated camping meals,” the spokesman added proudly.

The Greek Finance Minister, Mr. Lukaniko “Lou” Moussaka, assured his nation that Canadian Tire is one of the most stable currencies in the world.

“A wallet full of this money is a good thing,” he declared. “You absolutely know that you can purchase a wide variety of sporting goods, camping gear, tools, lawn ornaments, energy bars, and tons more with it.”

Jim Garner
Reportering for The Lapine

* Yamhosu: A phrase commonly used by Greek truck drivers, freely translated as “Go forth and multiply yourself.”

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