Half-Quebecois Man Separates From Himself

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MONTREAL -In a major innovative surgical operation and one of the first of its kind, Quebec resident Antoine Lavoie successfully separated from himself, though sadly, he died shortly afterwards.

Born to a Quebecois father and dominating English Mother, Antoine had struggled with his personal identity from an early age; a struggle, which, growing up in Montreal, manifested itself in adolescent drama and teenage rebellion. At school, Antoine constantly argued and talked back to his teachers, at home he fought ceaselessly with his parents who were contending with personal problems of their own.

On June 15th Antoine’s parents finalized their long running divorce, his mother moved back to her family in Ontario while Antoine, only eighteen, continued to live in Montreal with his father. The Lapine has not managed to interview any of the Lavoie family or close friends on the issue, but we feel free to speculate at Antoine’s inner turmoil as he was torn between his English and French heritage.

Yet an answer to his problems and identity crisis was finally realized. Quebec City surgeons offered to physically separate Antoine’s French and English sides in what would be the first operation of its kind ever performed. With an outbreak of public sympathy and revitalized Bloc  Quebećois rallying to his cause, the necessary red tape was cut and the surgery commenced on July 1st at 8:00 am; finishing with surprising speed.

Lapine reporters, pestering Antoine’s family and friends in the waiting room, described the atmosphere as breathless and tense. At roughly 1:00pm, a doctor visited the waiting room with a grim expression, his sad eyes telling all. Later, the tragic story of the unnecessary emotion driven surgery all came out.

At 8:30am, on schedule, surgeons began laterally separating Antoine’s body into two equal sized partitions. The blood flow was almost impossible to stem, by 9:00am Antoine was on life support, by 9:30am he was dead.

In the aftermath of this tragedy various leading experts in the health sector have come forward and questioned the need of the surgery in the first place. Some going as far as to point out ‘empirical’ evidence and statistics, on tendons, nerves and blood flow that they say prove that such a procedure could never viably work.

For now though, The Lapine will simply mourn for one troubled adolescent who’s uninformed decision and troubled past led to such tragic consequences.

Carl Welsenry

The Lapine’s Senior Political Analyst

 

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