Harper Proud to Say He Met a Muslim Once

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OTTAWA — Prime Minister Stephen Harper said today that not all Muslims are terrorists in the making and warmly recalled the day he once met a young Muslim back in his minority government days.

“I don’t remember his name…Achmed or Achead or something…but he seemed like a nice enough fellow,” Harper told the Ottawa Citizen.

“He was a swarthy guy and spoke perfect English.”

“I knew he was a Muslim because he was carrying that book they all carry but I wasn’t frightened at all…to me he was just a man with a vote that’s no different than any other vote.”

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Harper made the comments after being heavily criticized for his new toll-free “Turn-Em-In Tip Line” that will allow Canadians to report family, friends, neighbours, and colleagues who “start acting weird or Muslim in any way such as growing a beard or wearing a veil”.

The “report anybody” phone line will be manned by RCMP officers as part of Harper’s Zero Tolerance for Cultural Practices We Don’t Like Act that was passed into legislation last November to add some extra teeth to the “Tough on Terrorists Act”, Bill C-51 and its increased surveillance of “certain high-risk groups” including Muslims, atheists, and anyone who has ever attended an environmental rally.

“Friends.  This is not racist.  This is what good, patriotic, normal Canadians want,” said a smiling Harper.

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“There are some good Muslims in Canada and then there are a lot of really evil Muslims biding their time acting like good Muslims.”

“They could be your neighbours, your university professor — they could be right beside you at Canadian Tire.”

“Let’s be clear here.  Normal Canadians have nothing to worry about.  If you’re going about your business and have reported all the suspicious looking people you know, you’ll be just fine,” said Harper.

“The Turn-Em-In-Tip-Line is just a great new tool for patriotic Canadians to help me keep us all safe.”

While Muslim groups across Canada continue to condemn acts of violence perpetrated in the name of Islam, Harper called on all Canadians to go about their daily lives but to be alert to any signs of “out-of-our-norm behaviour”.

“And I just want to send a shout-out to Achmed…or Achhead,” Harper told the Citizen.

“It was really nice to have met you.”

“Stay out of trouble.”

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine

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