Harper Raises Terrorist Threat Level to “Pre-Election”
OTTAWA — Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that he is raising Canada’s national security status to a previously unheard-of level, but encouraged Canadians to go about their daily lives while avoiding talking to strangers.
“There can be no doubt that every single voter is now at great risk of either being killed by a terrorist or becoming one,” Harper told media gathered for a rare briefing in the press room outside his Parliamentary offices.
“As a result of almost daily threats on our transparent form of government, I have raised Canada’s Terrorist Threat Level to Really, Really High.”
“This will remain in effect until October 19th or possibly earlier.”
The country’s terrorist threat security level had previously stood at Medium-to-High prior to voters learning that anti-terrorist Bill C-51 has led to all their Facebook likes being added to their personal files and even postcards sent from friends on holiday in Gull Lake, Saskatchewan, being read by CSIS agents.
“As your leader, I take these threats very seriously,” said Harper.
“And I call on all Canadians to act normal but to be on their toes and report anybody doing anything even a bit suspicious.”
“Predictably, the two minority parties have instantly and mockingly referred to this new increased level of surveillance as the “Pre-Election Level”, but I assure you that this is not at all about scare tactics to get adult Canadians to vote me back in as Prime Minister with a majority government.”
“Look. It’s simple. If we let terrorists scare us into giving up our freedoms, they will have won.”
“That is not going to happen on my watch…this one nor the next one.”
“As I said earlier, act normal.”
Reportering for The Lapine