Harper Reminds Canadians That Thomas Mulcair Has a Beard



OTTAWA — Stephen Harper refused to answer reporters’ questions about his inaction on the Syrian refugee crisis at a small rally today but did manage to puzzle supporters and reporters with a strange attack on Thomas Mulcair’s beard.

“Friends. Canada is just not ready for a bearded leader,” Harper said to a group of button-wearing Conservatives and plain clothes bodyguards gathered for a barbecue at 24 Sussex Drive.

“Mr. Mulcair is not a hipster. He is not a lumberjack. He is not homeless. So what’s with the beard? What is he hiding?”

“Our country needs a clean-shaven Prime Minister who has a steady hand on the economy and can keep us all safe from terrorists, most of whom have beards.”


“Every day, concerned voters stop me in the street and say, ‘Stephen. Men with beards are shifty.’”

“So let me be clear with Canadians. Mr. Mulcair has a beard.

Harper went on to point out that Canada has not elected a bearded Prime Minister since Mackenzie Bowell in 1894, adding that Liberal leader Justin Trudeau is likely unable to grow anything beyond a fuzzy mustache.


NDP spokesperson Olivier Duchesneau responded to Harper’s “bizarre beard attack” by stating that Mr. Mulcair has no intention of shaving his beard and that Harper is “attempting yet again to deflect attention from pressing issues like the economy, allowing more refugees to come to Canada, or him being a total asshole.”

Conservative campaign spokesman Kory Teneycke fired back that “Mr. Mulcair spends more time shampooing, conditioning, and trimming his beard with nail clippers than he does thinking about the very real threat of ISIS.”

“Have you ever noticed how often Mr. Mulcair strokes his beard? It’s not normal,” said Harper to laughter and loud applause as the steak, ribs, and lobster barbecue wound down.

“I may not be perfect but I am clean-shaven.”

“And, unlike Mr. Mulcair, I don’t wear socks with my sandals.”

Lee Whey
Reportering for The Lapine

*Photo of Thomas Mulcair with and without a beard by DigitalJournal.com




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