Harper Takes Pandas to Church Supper


OTTAWA – With Conservative Party baseball caps velcroed to their fluffy heads, Canada’s two visiting Pandas surprised and delighted evangelical members of the East Gate Alliance Church in Ottawa as they arrived unannounced for a Pot-Luck & Prayer Supper last night.

As Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s unprecedented guests, the two Pandas drew a huge crowd as they slowly waddled into the steepled church shooed on by Harper, a senior member of the fundamentalist congregation.

Reaction to the use of the endangered Chinese animals for religious and political purposes was loud as Toronto Zoo curator Marie Franke stomped around outside and angrily told media that 5-year old female Er Shuu (pronounced “Lingy Wing”) and 4-year old Da Mao (pronounced “Mooey Gai”) were taken without permission by the Prime Minister and Public Safety Minister Vic Toews (pronounced “Toes”).

“This is an absolute abuse of power,” yelled the red-faced Franke. “Who does Harper think he is? But who do I call? The police? They’re here. They helped tempt Mooey Gai out of his cage by rolling Tim Bits under his cage door…”

The two Pandas sat quietly munching on bamboo shoots and celery stalks filled with Cheez-Whiz throughout the evening as Church members posed for photos with the bears and the PM, prayed in tongues, sang, and shared the meals they had cooked for the evening’s fund-raiser.

“”Do not smite bears that do not eat your children.” (1 Samuel 17:33) And….totally totally unrelated but always worth repeating….”Neither fornicators not homosexuals will inherit the Kingdom of God.” (1 Corinthians 6:79),” said Pastor Sebastian Hatford in his brief sermon in the unadorned church hall, surrounded by about 100 legally-married men and women, and their children, sitting in a loose circle on metal chairs.

Ottawa Regional Police and RCMP vehicles blocked the street at both ends, keeping crowds of curious onlookers behind barricades as word of the Panda’s visit spread on social media.

The East Gate Alliance Church is part of the Christian and Missionary Alliance Church with 2,000 congregations around the world. It is considered strongly fundamentalist and its web site (http://www.cmacan.org/home) notes core beliefs in the absolute word of the Bible with an emphasis on rescuing “lost souls” and using the legendary physical healing power of Jesus Christ.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is not a Church member but attended the secretive event and said he saw no problem with the “furry symbols of China getting out to our community events”.

“Too much clappin’ and moanin’ and wavin’ hands in the air for me,” he told reporters. “But the chicken and dumplings were great.”

William Yum
Reporting for The Lapine



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