Harper Warns Canadians That Terrorists are Bloody Everywhere



OTTAWA — Prime Minister Stephen Harper urgently urged Canadians today to keep a patriotic eye out for telltale signs that a neighbour, peculiar co-worker, or embarrassing uncle has become a Jihadist terrorist.

“Look. Nobody wants to get murdered in their sleep,” Harper said to a group of seniors touring Parliament Hill this morning.

“So now is the time for us all to be on our toes…to really watch our friends and family closely for any sneaky behaviour.”

“Like eating hummus or wearing anything black…or suddenly going all bearded and swarthy…those sorts of things.”

“But do not approach these terrorists.”

“Call 1-800-BAD-GUYS toll-free and report them.”

“We’ll take it from there.”


Harper’s pre-election call for Canadians to turn in anyone not acting normal comes following the passage of the security/spying Bill C-51 that gives police, CSIS agents, and mall cops the authority to instantly arrest any person who does a Google search for ISIS, Jihad, or lamb kebabs.

“Our freedoms and our oil industry are under attack,” said Harper.

“But if a Jihadist terrorist in blue jeans was standing right beside you at a Tim Hortons, would you recognize him or her?”

“If in doubt, turn ’em in.”

“As your leader, I can’t overstate that your life is in real danger right this very minute, this very second. But I ask you to remain calm and report all possible terrorists.”

“I’ve always got your back.”

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine



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