Harper Worried ‘Pussy Riots’ Could Break Out Across Canada

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OTTAWA– In a leaked and confusing memo to the head of Canada’s national police, Prime Minister Stephen Harper asked the force to be on the alert for any signs “of these pussy riots” that he says he “has been reading about”.

“I trust you are on top of whatever the heck these pussy riots are all about Bob,” Harper wrote in the document to RCMP Commissioner Bob Paulsen.

“I keep a firm eye on foreign affairs and I see that these things are happening elsewhere, so I am instructing you to make sure they don’t happen in Canada.”

“We have been watching all these environmental/voting-rights/first-nations nut-job groups in Canada but these pussy riots are a new threat whatever they are.”

“Hear me clearly Bob. There will be no pussy riots in my country.

The memo was signed, “Your Prime Minister Stephen J. Harper.”

The document was obtained by the Ottawa Citizen and an editorial in today’s edition said that the Prime Minister “seems mind-bogglingly unaware that Pussy Riot is a Russian feminist protest band opposed to President Putin and not somehow a citizens’ group formed by David Suzuki to protest the mistreatment of pussy cats.”

Pussy Riot was formed in 2011 and, most famously, three of the group were sentenced to two years in jail in 2012 for “hooliganism against God and Government” after a brief performance in a Russian Orthodox Church in Moscow. Recently, Russian Cossack guards set upon members of the group at the Sochi Olympics, ripping off their trademark balaclavas and whipping them with horse-riding crops.

“The current Prime Minister actually thinks Canada is at threat from Pussy Riots breaking out across the country?” Federal Liberal leader Justin Trudeau asked a Toronto Star reporter when told about the leaked Harper memo.

“Damn, that’s too odd to even comment on.”

Then Trudeau began to laugh and waved off reporters.

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine

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