Harper’s Request to be on Wheaties’ Box Turned Down

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TARRYTOWN, NY — The Breakfast of Champions will not feature the smiling face of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper despite his formal request and Mr. Harper providing dozens of pictures of himself curling, duck hunting and scoring a goal for the Ottawa Senators.

“We’re in the business of selling cereal and, frankly, Mr. Harper will not sell cereal,” General Foods’ Senior Vice President Mark W. Addicks told the New York Times earlier today.

“At first we got a kick out of Mr. Harper’s heavy lobbying…man we laughed…because we thought he must just be joking around.”

“But we finally realized he was serious when he Facebooked me personally with a picture of him punting for the Toronto Argonauts football team.”

“Of course then the challenge became how to say no without hurting his feelings but it had to be done.”

“I mean, seriously, we could not run the risk of Mr. Harper’s photograph putting people off their Wheaties.”

HarperTallAndSkinnyShot

First introduced in 1924, Wheaties boxes have showcased hundreds of athletes and celebrities over the years including Muhammad Ali, Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Pee-Wee Herman. More than 50 million boxes of the flaked wheat and bran cereal were sold in the U.S. and Canada in 2013.

“Prime Minister Harper enjoys a big bowl of Wheaties every morning before jogging to Parliament to make Canada a better, safer place,” the PM’s New Chief Spokesman Rob Nicol told CBC this morning.

“Like any child growing up as an athlete, Mr. Harper dreamed of being on a Wheaties box and felt strongly that now was the time to rally Canadians by starting their days with his reassuring image.”

“The Prime Minister is disappointed but will not let it deter him from passing laws to ensure Canadians are safe from terrorists as long as he has a majority government.”

General Foods is denying reports that they have offered to put Mr. Harper’s picture on boxes of Trix cereal.

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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