Harping on Love: Relationship Advice from Stephen Harper

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Dear Stephen, 
I am a middle aged, divorced, overweight, bald man. One of my co-workers and I have been flirting on and off for months. I don’t have children but she is a mother of two adorable girls. I desperately want to impress her but I don’t know how. Any advice?

Signed,
Future Loneliness

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Dear Future Suicide,
Women love a generous man so buy her gifts and take her out for dinner. If you need to save money, learn to cut corners and live without a few things. Since becoming Prime Minister, I have cut all federal aid to Africa in half. Even more impressive, in 2010, I froze our aid contribution to Africa completely. Women love a humanitarian.

Sincerely,
Steve

HarperKittensSmallShot

Dear Stephen,  
I’m currently dating an amazing woman who’s a heck of a chef. Unfortunately, she and her mother are depressed. My girlfriend is Aboriginal and three of her five sisters have disappeared in the last two years. As a father of two children, you must know the fear and pain any parent would go through. Any advice?

Signed,
Visibly Torn

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Dear Visible Minority, 
Great letter, as I adore a woman who knows her way around the kitchen.

Tell your girlfriend and her family, ‘the vast majority of these cases are addressed and solved through police investigations, and we’ll leave it in their hands.’ Then you’re free to go home to a write a book, like me. Did you know the oldest hockey stick in world is almost 200 years old? Two hundred! Why, that’s almost the same number of aboriginal women who disappeared in Canada in the last six years. Thanks for your letter and remember, keep your stick on the ice! 

Yours truly,
The Honourable Stephen Harper
Author and Prime Minister of Canada

Jeremy Vernelli
Reportering for The Lapine

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