Hobby Lobby to Enforce “Respectable Cotton Panties” Rule for Employees

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OKLAHOMA CITY — On the heels of the Supreme Court ruling that family-owned businesses could deny contraceptive medical coverage to workers, Hobby Lobby’s two owners announced late today that thong underwear is against their religious beliefs.

All female employees will now be required to wear “full coverage” underwear.

“No, the Bible doesn’t say anything against harlot panties with only a thin strip of string that goes between a female’s buttock halves…but I’m sure it would have if God had thought of it,” founder and co-owner David Green (73) told the Washington Post.

“We will be checking all our gals for visible panty lines.”

“And we discourage lace trim or lewd printed messages. They’re against our sincerely-held beliefs also.”

In a split 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court ruled that religious beliefs can be imposed on employees of privately-owned companies like Hobby Lobby and Koch Industries in areas of health care coverage, life insurance, banking and music preferences.

Barbara Green, David Green’s wife and co-owner of Hobby Lobby, said the company is looking into all parts of the Court’s ruling to see if anything else that offends their religious beliefs comes to mind.

Hobby Lobby is the largest arts and crafts retail chain in the U.S. with 22,000 employees, 19,700 of them female. Started in 1972, the company’s reported revenue is $3.1 billion with macrame twine and scrapbooking materials being the largest sellers.

The 561 U.S. stores play “worshipful music” for shoppers and Mrs. Green said they will begin “at first to encourage” employees to make that “praiseful sound” their choice of music during their off hours before Hobby Lobby considers enforcement through the new ruling.

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“Separate from how uncomfortable this g-stringish underwear must be, it’s not very Christian for women to be in front of men with their buttock cheek flesh all exposed under their clothing,” said Mrs. Green (age undisclosed).

“It’s temptation is all it is.”

“I myself have always worn prudent underwear.”

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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