“I Joined ISIS to Cover Up My Acne” — Young American Jihadist
NEW YORK — In a Skype interview earlier today, a 19-year-old born in Duluth, Minnesota, told media that he joined Islamic militants on a whim because he thought the scarf-like face coverings were “way cool” and would let him cover up his pimply skin.
“Man. That was stupid. Now I’m in some desert somewhere sweating my ping pongs off trying to learn Arabic from some bearded guy who only knows four words of English…”Better Ingredients…Better Pizza.” I mean WTF?” said Haji Bakr al-Jaheishi, formerly known as Kyle Dwight Findley.
“And when I try to explain that Papa Johns pizza is shit, he smacks me across the head.”
“Want to know what’s worse? My friggin’ skin’s cleared up. Fuck.”
“At least I think it has. I don’t know the Arabic word for mirror yet but I don’t feel any zoots anywhere,” said Haji, removing his scarf and showing his face to the webcam.
The White House has expressed concerns that an estimated 200 young American men have joined ISIS to fight in Iraq or Syria but Fox News puts the number “in the thousands” blaming disillusionment with the amount of time President Obama spends golfing.
The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) is a Sunni jihadist group claiming religious authority over all Muslims and waging war for control of Iraq and Syria with announced expansion plans into Iran, Israel, Jordon, Lebanon, Israel and Russia “just because of Putin.”
ISIS recently shortened its name to IS (Islamic State) and has hired a New York firm to design a new logo.
“I mean I knew nothing about Allah or the Qur’an…however you pronounce it,” said Haji, asking reporters to just call him Haj.
“Who knew the Qur’an was even a book?”
“Joining ISIS seemed like it would be kinda fun and, yeah, the whole stupid skin thing…”
“But it was really, really dumb and the food? Whoa!”
“Anyways. I have to go. It’s Abu’s turn on Skype,” said Haji as the interview wound down.
“He’s from Tallahassee.”
Reportering for The Lapine