IKEA Urging Shoppers to Stop Abandoning Old People in Stores
NEW YORK — More and more elderly parents and grandparents with small suitcases are being dropped off at Ikea stores across North America and the Swedish chain is urgently calling for the trend to end.
“Many of our stores are finding tiny old people curled up asleep in the display beds every morning,” Ikea founder Ingvar Feodor Kamprad (89) told a media conference earlier today.
“And we’ve had dozens of old people found in our cafeterias trying to cook Swedish Meatballs in the middle of the night.”
“They also seem very fond of our Loganfloofenberry Jam.”
“This is not a good thing to dump your grandmother in our ball playroom.”
The N.Y. Times is reporting that Ikea is not alone in having to deal with senior citizens being abandoned by their children or grandchildren. Walmart, McDonalds, and Safeway are all reporting increasing cases of old people with sleeping bags wandering around late at night.
Greyhound Bus Lines told the Times earlier this week that they have asked their drivers to start requiring I.D. from adults putting old people on buses with one-way tickets.
“This trend is the modern-day equivalent of Eskimos putting their elders on ice floes when they can no longer hunt caribou or boil whale blubber, which is an urban myth by the way,” said Dr. Susan Blake, head of Geriatric Studies at New York University.
“It is the elephant in the room whenever millenials host a get-together and a friend asks ‘Where’s your Grandpa?’ Awkward.”
With political leaders in the U.S. and Canada slowly becoming aware of the issue, Catholic Pope Francis (78) took the lead earlier this week and joined IKEA in urging people not to get rid of the elderly at Ikea stores or public libraries.
“Would you abandon me at a mini putt-putt if I was your actual Father?” the Pope asked a crowd of thousands in St. Peter’s Square during an address about family planning and the Church’s condemnation of condoms.
“This is a sad problem,” said Kamprad.
“The elderly deserve love and kindness and a home. Not to be left to get lost in Ikea.”
“Plus, the toilets in our Bathroom sections are not usable toilets.”
Reportering for The Lapine