Is Smoking Kale a Healthier Way to Get Stoned Than Marijuana? Yuppies Think So

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NEW YORK — Kale has become the go-to leafy green for trendy yuppies lately, but the chewy wild cabbage’s reputation has gone to pot it seems.

The N.Y. Times and Toronto Star are both reporting today that kale is the new weed of choice among both college students and annoying, self-important, thirty-something twat heads who have no damn idea they’re already a bit past it and too old to set trends.

“Oh man, those like totally weird yuppies aren’t buying kale to eat it…have you tasted it? Or tried to chew it?” said Dee Waters, assistant junior manager of fruits, vegetables, beans, grains, and nuts at Whole Foods in Lower Manhattan.

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“They’re drying it and smoking it up. Goes well with craft beer. And gives a real sweet body stone…or at least that’s what I hear.”

“We can’t keep it on the produce shelves right before weekends.”

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) told the Times that they are aware of the new usage for kale by yuppies and are carefully tracking the situation. Consideration is being given to an emergency YouTube anti-kale public awareness campaign according to an FDA spokesperson.

“Inhaling fumes from the combustion of any organic material is not healthy,” said the spokesperson.

“Does kale gives you a “buzz”? Well…the chemical make-up of Brassica oleracea is almost exactly the same as brussels sprouts.”

“Would you put a brussels sprout in your bong and expect to get high?”

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The Toronto Star reports that street sales of marijuana are down while food stores across the city are struggling to keep up with demand for kale.

“I’m totally into the whole work-life balance thing. And kale’s got antioxidants, fibre…all that good healthy stuff,” a 31-year-old IT professional working his lats at Extreme Fitness & Espresso Gym told the Star.

“Smoking kale’s kinda like a detox really. Get ripped and get healthy.”

The Times article said NYPD has made no arrests of impaired persons attempting to buy cruciferous vegetables to date.

Lee Whey
Reportering for The Lapine

 

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