ISIL Leader Steps Down, Eyes 2016 Run


BigDaddy_annot2 Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL), has abandoned his position as head of that militant group, according to several Pentagon sources.  Al-Baghdadi is now thought to be contemplating a run at the 2016 GOP nomination for President of the United States. Officials at the Republican National Committee confirmed that someone of that name has filed papers for an exploratory committee, including a birth certificate with letterhead “Baghdad Governorate ~ America’s 51st State”. And indeed, the Emir’s caliphate would never have been possible without vast American intervention in Iraq, giving Al-Baghdadi room to carve out the new state.

The development comes on the heels of al-Baghdadi shocking political pundits by placing atop a Rasmussen poll for 2016 GOP presidential hopefuls.  His fiery conservative fundamentalist rhetoric and dramatic denunciations of U.S. President Barack Obama have wildly endeared him to the Republican base.

In the words of one analyst, “if Mike Huckabee can run, can win, then why not the blessed Emir?”

Mike Huckabee hunting

“He focus-groups well among the ‘values’ voters”, followed up veteran Republican operative Ed Rollins, who ran the presidential campaigns of Mike Huckabee in 2008 and Michele Bachmann in 2012.  “He reminds me a lot of Mike, actually.  He believes wives should be submissive to their husbands, that homosexuality is wrong, and that God merits a prominent place in our laws and schools.  And nobody watching the news in the last year doubts his commitment to the death penalty.”

Reaction in the ISIL leadership was subdued.  Deputy head of Iraqi operations, Abu Muslim al-Turkmani groused through a string of intermediaries, “We had had some setbacks.  The infidel planes have been everywhere lately, it’s true.  But I didn’t think he’d desert us.  Maybe he thinks he’ll meet Palin, I don’t know.  He had her photos up all around his bunker”.

The news was celebrated among the grass roots in the US.  Brynn Stone, organizer of Liberty University Young Republicans, said “the troops are juiced.  Big Daddy is coming.  Finally— a fresh voice, who really hates Obama!”

Dimmesdale Brownback
Reportering For The Lapine



You may also like...