Kushner Says Stress from Russian Witch Hunt is Harming His Looks


WASHINGTON — After briefly restating that there was no collusion in his 5 or 6 unreported meetings with Russian contacts, Jared Kushner surprised reporters this afternoon by leaning forward and pointing out some faint wrinkles around his eyes.

And then inviting a cameraman to touch his “dull, limp, lifeless hair”.

“These lines?  These crow’s feet?  This is what all the fake news about Russia and Putin is doing to me! I have crow’s feet! And my hair has totally lost its bounce and sheen!” Kushner said emotionally before pointing out the bags under his mahogany eyes.

“The pressure is constant and I’m seeing its horrible affects on me in the mirror 20 or 30 times a day,” said Kushner.

Portrait of Jared Corey Kushner hanging in greeting room of Ivanka and Jared Kushner’s Washington home. Oil on canvas. Artist unknown. 2016.

“I’m only 34 years old and these unwarranted attacks are stressing me out — the wholesome, youthful appearance that I’ve prided myself on is fading even as we speak,” continued Kushner (36).

Kushner serves as Senior Advisor to the President — his father-in-law Donald Trump — and is currently embroiled in multiple investigations into Russian manipulation of the 2016 federal election. He spoke to reporters about his complete innocence and the sadness of “losing his boyish good looks” but refused to answer questions about saying it was all Donald Trump Junior’s fault during his closed-door grilling by both the House and Senate Intelligence Committees.

“So…after much memory searching, it turns out I did meet with 6 or maybe 7 groups of Russians. But I go to dozens of meetings every week at the White House, in various hotels, in cars, sometimes out of the country — it’s easy to forget 7 or perhaps 8 meetings with Russians,” Kushner said before turning back to his worries about his appearance.

“Yes, my friends tease me about looking like an innocent, clean-cut teenager but it’s just locker room talk. Boyish looks aside, I am totally focused on fixing everything that’s wrong. Fixing. Every. Single. Thing,” he said.

“What CNN, the New York Times and Hillary Clinton are doing should be illegal! They’re giving me worry lines and oily skin. And this…,” said Kushner as he stuck out his heavily coated tongue saying it’s further proof that the pressure is affecting his youthfulness.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci issued a brief statement immediately following the media show-and-tell defending Kushner’s “health and beauty concerns” and noting Kushner was runner-up to Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 2016.

Sue Dunum
Reportering for The Lapine