Jason Kenney Calls Harper a “Knob” as Conservative Knives Come Out


Jason-Kenney-SizedOTTAWA — Conservatives continued to turn on defeated Prime Minister Stephen Harper today as former Minister Jason Kenney told reporters his boss was “actually a total peckerhead”.

“Mr. Harper would sit at cabinet meetings and pass out donuts only to people who had been good,” said Kenney as he announced his run for the party’s vacant leadership.

“I stand up to bullies so I used to bring my own muffin — I would keep it in my briefcase and sneak bites when he wasn’t looking. Ha!”

Jason-Kenney-Iraq-Harper-sized“Look, friends. Like every real Canadian, I thank Mr. Harper for his years and years and years and years in office. But it’s time for him to go away and for us as a party to get back to being the fair and kind group of true Canadians we have always portrayed ourselves to be.”

Doug Ford, former Toronto City Councillor and brother to controversial former Mayor Rob Ford, is the only other candidate to have openly tested the leadership waters by also quickly turning on Harper, calling the long-time ally “last night’s pizza”.

Doug-Ford-TV-sizedWhile some in the Conservative Party are defending Harper’s leadership and calling for the erection of a statue in his honour near Parliament, the list of infighting insiders saying they never supported his remaking of Canada continues to grow.

“I actually think refugees are possibly nice little people,” said former Immigration Minister Chris Alexander who now says Harper forced him to only accept Syrian and Iraqi refugees with Canadian-sounding names.

“Personally, I think the niqab can be a very attractive accessory.”

Chris-Alexander-Cdn-Flag-sizedDefeated Finance Minister Joe Oliver also distanced himself from Harper, today admitting that he was often afraid of the PM.

“Prime Minister Harper yelled at me a lot and made me practice over and over saying that the economy wasn’t in the crapper,” Oliver told CTV’s Canada AM this morning.

“That whole balanced budget thing? Smoke and two-way mirrors. Don’t tell him I said that…please.”

Co-founder of the Conservative Party and happily retired Minister of Justice Peter MacKay refused to be drawn into the negative comments about Harper but did take to Twitter today following Kenney’s comments saying, “Hahahahaha.”

Peter-MacKay-sizedRe-elected MP and ex-Minister of Employment Pierre Poilievre, widely seen by himself as a strong contender to replace Harper, was one of the few defending the outgoing PM saying “he was like an Akela to me”.

“I’m not ashamed to say I love Stephen Harper. He was the smartest Prime Minister Canada has ever had and I will have a tax audit done on anyone who says differently.”

Pierre-Poilievre-sizedConservative Party of Canada President John Walsh issued an appeal to current and former MPs to stop the Harper attacks.

“We all need to re-focus our energies on the bold new name for the Conservative Party that we will be announcing shortly.”

Doug Dehole
Reportering for The Lapine




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