John Baird Hospitalized for Brass Testicles
OTTAWA — Seconds after giving a rousing speech earlier today shouting that Canada won’t back down from military conflict with “that f***ing little shit Putin”, Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird complained to his bodyguards that he had extreme pain in his groinal area.
Reporters and business leaders attending the Conservative Party fundraiser watched in horror as Baird went to his knees clutching his crotch according to an oil company executive who ran up onto the stage and tried to administer the Heimlich maneuver.
“The Honourable John Baird was admitted on an emergency basis earlier today for testicular bloating,” Dr. Mary Quinel, E.R. Department Head at Queensway-Carleton Hospital, told gathered media.
“Minister Baird is sedated but awake and has undergone intensive drainage of his testes.”
“His condition is stable.”
Concern for the often loud and bullying MP was slow to come on social media but Liberal leader Justin Trudeau tweeted immediately urging the hospital to “please keep him stable.”
“John is more than a Minister. He’s a friend…a bro,” said a statement from Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s office.
“Bros have each other’s back and I certainly have John’s as he deals with these two swellings. Young Canadian males looking forward with anticipation to the 2015 election know what I’m talkin’ about here.”
Baird (45) has been labelled as Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s “attack dog” and has spoken out loudly against swarthy Arabs, David Suzuki, the entire United Nations, Greenpeace, vegetarians, and protesters of any cause.
Queensway-Carleton Hospital said updates on Minister Baird’s condition will be posted hourly.
The hospital has refused comment on an Ottawa Citizen article claiming that Dr. Quinel was recorded on a reporter’s mic referring to Baird’s testicles as “whoa…inflated beyond belief”.
Reportering for The Lapine