Keystone Pipeline to be Wrapped in Saran Wrap for Added Leak Protection
CALGARY- Trans Canada Corporation, owners of the controversial Keystone Pipeline, today announced plans to wrap the entire 1,179 mile (1,897 k) pipeline in Saran Wrap in a last-pitch bid to get official approval on the proposed project.
“Have you seen the ad where they put Saran Wrap over the top of a bowl of tomato soup and then hold it upside down? Not a drop leaks out,” Trans Canada CEO Ross Girling told a media conference in explaining the offer to wrap the 36 inch (914mm) pipeline in a plastic food wrap.
“How can President Obama deny that Saran Wrap works?”
“He vetoed it once but we think if Saran Wrap is good enough to keep your Oscar Mayers fresh it’s good enough to keep your pristine land and drinking water safe from a few drops of oil.
The proposed last leg of the Keystone Pipeline would carry heavy oil from Alberta’s Tar Sands (recently renamed “Happy Sands” by Trans Canada) to Steel City, Nebraska, picking up light crude from Montana and North Dakota along route to the Gulf Coast of Texas and then on to China.
But the pipeline has been widely protested by environmentalists and ordinary citizens alike who point out that Trans Canada’s pipelines tend to burst when the outside temperature is too hot or too cold, when the wind really kicks up, if it rains or snows, and sometimes if a farmer’s cow bumps into it.
“We’re excited for another new use for Saran Wrap,” said a statement from manufacturer Dow Chemical that has been awarded the multi-million dollar contract.
“The last new usage for Saran Wrap was when Jenny Craig began including a Saran Wrap Belly Wrap for weight loss cients to sweat off that unsightly stomach fat.”
Saran Wrap is manufactured in Chengdu, China.