Liberals, NDP Finally Merging to “Turf Harper’s Ass”
OTTAWA — Canada’s political landscape shifted dramatically today after The Ottawa Citizen published leaked documents revealing that the Liberals and NDP are merging to form a new party focused on ousting Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
“This is stunning. Mr. Harper was banking on Trudeau and Mulcair not being able to get their shit…act together,” said Citizen Managing Editor Andrew Potter.
“Now the parties have merged and Harper insiders say the Prime Minister ‘totally lost his shit’ and went on an uncharacteristic rant, stomping his feet and pounding his desk when he heard the news.”
“Polls have consistently shown that Canadians want Trudeau and Mulcair to stop acting like stupid dinks and join forces to basically get their country back.”
Prime Minister Harper’s office has refused to comment but Minister of National Defence Jason Kenney issued a brief statement warning Canadians that “only Prime Minister Harper can protect you from being killed by terrorists likely standing right behind you at 7-Eleven”.
The newly merged party will be named the Liberal Democrat Party of Canada (LDPC) and The Citizen front-page story says Trudeau and Mulcair have “physically scuffled” over who will get to be Prime Minister.
Nervous sources close to Harper say he was initially “gobsmacked” by news of the merger but has since ordered attack ads to run on Hockey Night in Canada revealing details from CSIS files that reportedly show both Trudeau and Mulcair have friends who are Muslim or possibly even a few who are First Nation Canadians.
“Mr. Harper may now actually lose this election,” said Potter.
“But Canadians know he’ll go down swinging and flinging.”
“And using tactics that will have U.S. Republicans taking notes.”
Reportering for The Lapine