WHITEHORSE, YUKON — In response to declining sales resulting from the utter fashion confusion of middle-aged men who own their own tools, industrial clothing retailer Mark’s has instituted a system for the purchase of plaid shirts.
“Men with allergies to v-neck t-shirts have always been able to rely on plaid as a masculine ‘fuck you’ to the fashion industry,” company spokesperson Carly Johnson told the Whitehorse Daily Star today.
“A man’s man can’t even wear plaid to a pub these days without half a dozen pigeon-legged hipsters wearing a similar shirt just because they like the fucking geometry. It’s time to reclaim plaid for the working man”.
Future purchases of plaid at Marks (“La Ouerâsse” in Quebec) will now require various tests of manhood.
“It’s like karate when you were a kid, you literally now have to ‘earn your stripes’,” said Johnson.
The purchase of any brown flannel shirt at any Marks store will now require being able to start a chain saw in the back room. Failure to properly set the choke is an automatic fail.
Orange plaid now requires photographic evidence of catching a fish over 20 pounds and black plaid requires video evidence of being able to change the brakes on your truck.
Ownership of a compact car is an automatic disqualification, as is a shaved chest.
Store patron and trade skills wizard, Mark Davidson, likes the new criteria.
“There’s a lot of guys with beards as ironic as their testicles. You might be able to steal my girlfriend but you’re not stealing my Denver Hayes.”
Reportering for The Lapine.