Melania Trump and Heidi Cruz to Duke it Out in Fox News Debate

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NEW YORK — Fox News is predicting their biggest audience ever following today’s announcement that they will host the wives of GOP combatants Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in a “no-holds-barred” debate on foreign policy, immigration, terrorism, and the economy.

And the trash talking has already begun.

“Look. Melania seems like a nice enough dim-bulb person. But for Saint Peter’s sake, she’s not First Lady material,” said Heidi Cruz minutes after the debate was announced this morning.

“Honestly? She’s a bit of a tart. Almost a tramp actually.”

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“She’s pretty. She likes to be photographed with nothing on but her dimples. But really…she can’t be smart. She’s married to The Donald,” said Mrs. Cruz (43).

“I’m normally a really, really humble person but I have to say that I’m going to wipe the floor with Mrs. Trump the Third. Did you know all Donald Trump’s wives are immigrants?”

On the phone from Trump Tower, Melania Trump told the NY Times that she is looking forward to the debate with Mrs. Cruz and has already been getting intense verbal coaching from her husband.

“Donald tells me I will give the best debate. The best. He says I will use the best words. Great words. The best words,” said Melania (45).

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“Donald says Mrs. Heidi Trump is maybe not a good person. Mean. He’s sorry to say it but she’s mean. Donald says she lies like her husband. He says she has resting cow face.”

“Donald says Mrs. Trump has used effeminate male hookers. Many, many effeminate male hookers. And he says she has used illegal street drugs…was I supposed to say that yet? Was I supposed to save that for the debate? Donald?”

The debate has been quickly attacked as being like “an embarrassing women’s wrestling match where the fighters wear skimpy bathing suits and try to pull each other’s tops down”.

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The Fox “Last First Lady Standing Debate” announcement comes on the heels of a week where Ted Cruz referred to Melania Trump as a “beautiful woman but a gold-digging slut” and Donald Trump said Heidi Cruz “has a face mean enough to make babies cry”.

“Fox is the leader in giving fair coverage to women’s issues,” said Fox News spokeswoman Posey Brooks.

“And we feel it is important for voters to tune in and see these two giant symbols of modern womanism go toe to toe on important issues facing our nation.”

“Who’s going to win? The American people will decide. Heidi’s a boardroom brawler — but Melania’s amazing in the clinches.”

Dan LeHomme
Reportering for The Lapine

 

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