Millions of Americans Believe Gluten is Turning Them into Redheads

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LOS ANGELES — From movie stars to drywallers, millions of Americans are angry about gluten, blaming the grain protein for everything from bloating and diarrhea to sour crotch smells and ingrown big toe nails.

But 76% of people surveyed in a USA Today poll last week could not say what gluten actually is.

And 34% said they were sure it was causing their hair to turn “Lucille Ball red.”

“I first noticed some chestnutty color in my pubic hair and armpits,” said Kyle Meyers, a 22-year-old Olive Garden waiter from San Diego.

“But when I laid off the pizza and donuts, everything went back to black. Proof right there man.”

An estimated 64 million Americans and 7 million Canadians have sworn off gluten, eliminating anything that may contain wheat, barley, or rye, including breads, pasta, donuts, cookies, potato chips and Cheez Doodles.

“The gluten-free food industry is now a $6 billion a year business,” said Ed Vickers, health and video game editor for Forbes Magazine.

“And add another $1.5 billion to that total from sales of gluten-free condoms, make-up, and toothpaste.”

Gwyneth Paltrow recently joined a growing group of famous Americans who have jumped on the anti-gluten trend, calling the protein “a bitch.” Others include Judge Judy, Pat Sajak, Lady Gaga and one or two of the Kardashians.

“For those who actually do have gluten intolerance or celiac disease, it’s a serious health issue,” Dr. Elaine Nault of the Mayo Clinic’s Digestive Disorders Research Center told MSNBC.

“For everyone else, it’s a fad as dumb as freezing cheese slices to reduce the fat.”

Less than one 1/2% of North Americans truly do have a negative reaction to gluten but 6% currently claim they do. Rice Krispies, Chips Ahoy cookies, canned Chef Boyardee Mini Ravioli and Heinz Pork and Beans now all carry NO GLUTEN labels to cater to this rapidly growing segment.

“Some of the gluten haters said gluten is just filler made from pig snouts and anuses that food manufacturers don’t know what else to do with,” said Vickers.

“Gluten is a protein that is a gut bugger for about 1 in every 200 people.”

“And it doesn’t turn your hair red…anywhere on your body.”

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine

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