Monsanto Birth Control Yanked — American Women Not Swallowing It

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NEW YORK — The once-a-year Monsanto birth control pill Ovafree was pulled off the market today due to poor sales and reported side effects including spontaneous twerking.

“It totally fizzed all the way down my throat when I swallowed it,” Boston paralegal Tyla Bondar told MSNBC of taking Ovafree prior to a planned frisky weekend.

“My urine smelled like Pinesol for days. I was scared for sure.”

Even though no prescription was required for Ovafree, only 2,143 of the tablets have been sold as reports continue to come in of side effects including ringing in the ears, brittle toenails, and several reported cases of chest hair growth.

Marketed to pharmacists in a multi-million dollar “informational” campaign, Ovafree was touted by Monsanto as the “safe, easy” birth control choice that “gives today’s women 365 days of fun and freedom”.

Despite national distribution of over two million of the single-pill packages through pharmacies and on six-packs of wine coolers, American women have so far rejected the “genetically friendly pregnancy blocker”.

“The package should say “From the makers of GMO glow-in-the-dark seeds, DDT, and Agent Orange” if Monsanto was being honest,” said a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood. “This is not the happy, happy, happy birth control pill they make it out to be. ”

While Ovafree had received fast-track approval in the U.S., Health Canada refused to allow the GM drug into the country, citing a concern about the short 2-week clinical trial conducted by Monsanto on pig sows that resulted in she-pigs mounting the legs of Monsanto scientists and dancing provocatively to country music.

The annual Ovafree pill had retailed for $149 with a student price of $29.

 

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine

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