Most People Taking Weekend Off From Worrying About Going to Hell


PictureWASHINGTON, OTTAWA — The majority of North Americans have decided to take this weekend off from stressing out over the entire world going to hell in a hand basket.

“The wife and I were…you know…um…copulating, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how historical geopolitical and religious doctrines are repeating themselves in Iraq and Syria,” 42-year-old Miami cab driver Dwayne (last name withheld) told MSNBC this morning.

“Then I started thinking about the profit-driven biases of western mainstream media specifically vis a vis anyone who isn’t just like us…you know…white, Christian and straight.”

“Then my brain glommed onto climate change, catastrophic events, wars, and for some reason Betty White.”

“It was taking all the romance out of screwing.”

“Time to take the weekend off I told the wife.”

Whether stressing out over any of dozen wars, climate change, immigration, terrorists, the wage gap, access to birth control, Fukushima, genetically modified food, McDonald’s collapsing sales, most North Americans say they need some down time from solving the world’s problems.


So this weekend it seems they’re going to clear their minds and spend quality time with family and friends thinking only really, really happy thoughts.

“We’re going to just barbecue up some rib-eye steaks and play some lawn darts,” said a 31-year-old mother of two from Austin.

“I’m a little worried about the growth hormones used at those factory ranches, but…pffft…putting that right out of my mind for the weekend.”

Sociologists at UCLA say the majority of North American adults admit they are at least somewhat stressed by the current state of the world with more than 10% saying they are extremely worried, experience unpleasant gastro-intestinal problems and have begun binge-eating salty snack foods.

“Taking a weekend off is a great mental health idea I think,” said Dr. Elise DeJong, head researcher at UCLA’s Department of Complicated Studies.

“Don’t follow your favorite war or try to make sense of a politician.”

“And for sure don’t listen to anyone who watches FOX News.”

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine



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