Most U.S. Males Pet-Name Their Penises


NEW YORK -The World Health Organization has released a mental health study that shows American women are largely stable and well-adjusted, but a high percentage of American men are borderline delusional, are prone to exaggeration, and refer to their genitals as people.

“This was a very, very surprising finding of our study. American men really like their own penis and testicles. They tend to name all three, and often talk to them, urge them on, flatter them,” said Dr. Estelle Waters of the London School of Psychology, Psychiatry, and Sociology and head of the two-year research program.

“Our American male respondents indicated they use crotch monologues to pump themselves up for hopeful sexual encounters…”Let’s get ‘er done tonight Big Lumber”…that sort of thing.”

The multi-national study on gender self-images in western culture conducted more than 8,500 interviews with males and females aged 18 to 65 in the U.S., Europe, Asia, and the Middle East. The objective was to benchmark perceived levels of satisfaction in the areas of work/life balance, health, spirituality, optimism/pessimism, and sexuality.

“Calling your penis a wang, schlong, sausage or Willy is one thing,” said Dr. Phil of daytime television show fame. “Calling your penis Edwin is another thing.”

The full results of the study show few surprises except in the areas of sexuality and spirituality. The correlation between declared strong religious beliefs and attaching personalities to penises and testicles was shown to be particularly strong in Japan and in the U.S. states of Alabama, Kentucky, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, South Carolina, Iowa, Ohio, and Kansas.

“The jocular naming of one’s penis has always been taken lightly…Michael Jordon calling his member “Dunk” for example…or the late Ronald Reagan calling his “Nancy”…all harmless, humorous stuff really,” said Dr. Jon Eljkjenfleubherring (pronounced “Logenberry”), Executive Director of the World Health Organization’s Longitudinal Tracking Institute.

“But American men have taken this beyond a joke. They seem to need these three body parts as actual friends and allies in their lives. This is not normal.”

Social media responses indicate both alarm at the alleged friendship American males seem to have with their own sex organs, and casual acceptance of the study’s findings.

“Get off it. Tell me women don’t yak up a storm with their Judy,” reads a tweet from #waylonwillyntheboy.

“WTF? Really? Guys r namin’ their snacks n sacs? That’s nuts dudes,” reads one from #itsnotdelivery.

The World Health Organization says they will be expanding their study to benchmark different self-communication levels among different male strata by race, religion, income, profession, sexual preference, gun-ownership, and Democratic, Republican, or Tea Party affiliation.

Commentator/comedian Stephen Colbert issued a media statement today saying, “I have not and will not name my dangling parts.”

The Colbert Report has since launched a “Name Colbert’s Danglers” promotion at

Vic Issitude
Reporting for The Lapine



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