New Facebook Feature Lets Dead People Keep Posting

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MENLO PARK, CA — Dying no longer has to mean that friends and strangers will stop getting your fascinating cat pictures or shared petitions to end elephant poaching.

Because Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a new program today that lets you keep your Facebook page alive even though you might technically be dead.

“Just because you keel over shouldn’t mean loved ones stop hearing from you or George Takei stops getting your daily Likes and wonders where the hell you’ve gone,” said Zuckerberg.

“Now you can keep sharing laughs and opinions with the world years and even decades after you’re dead thanks to our new Legacy Contact feature.”

“Just change your Last Will and Testament to name a Facebook Heir and you’ll never really die.”

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“Your son, daughter, grandchild, lover, or even a dear friend you’ve only met on Facebook will be thrilled to inherit your Page and carry on posting important comments on politics and reporting pictures of women breastfeeding.”

“Think of the peace of mind that’ll bring to so many knowing that you’re not really gone.”

Prior to the new Legacy Contact program, dead people’s Facebook pages either sat and collected dust or were locked down so new articles no longer appeared but people could still post personal messages like “Haven’t heard from you lately. You dead or what? LOL.”

Reaction to the never-ending-Facebook-pages feature were mixed as the program was unrolled, with some users loving the idea of finally having a way to attain immortality, and some saying they hope like hell they don’t get saddled with a dead person’s Facebook crap.

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“Look, I love that Mom and Dad have figured out how to post smiley faces every waking hour of every day,” said 32-year-old Kyle Peters.

“But man, there’s no way I want to inherit their Facebook pages and have to keep sharing pictures of people who will beat cancer or some other disease if only they can get 1 million Likes.”

“I mean WTF? It’s sorta like getting them stuffed and pretending they’re not dead…creepy really. Talk about dead weight.”

Zuckerberg told the NY Times that he’s excited Facebook will no longer have to say goodbye to the hundreds of thousands of users who die every day.

“Yeah. Once a Facebooker, always a Facebooker as I like to say,” said Zuckerberg (30).

Robin Steele
Reportering for The Lapine

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