NFL Adds Nuns to List of People Players Should Not Beat Up

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NFLNunsWithFireExtinguisher
NEW YORK — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the league is serious about cutting down on off-field beat-downs by players and has added Nuns and handicapped people to the list of “No Hit ‘Ems”.

“We’re not insensitive to the attention this controversial issue is getting,” Goodell told the New York Times and ESPN.

“So in addition to possible suspensions and increased fines of up to $1,000 for players who bash women or children, we’ve expanded our listed of protected people to include Catholic Nuns and anyone with a visible handicap.”

“We are also considering adding femmy gays to the list and will be making an announcement shortly.”

The NFL has been under attack for player violence following the viral exposure of a video showing Baltimore Ravens’ player Ray Rice (27) knocking his now-wife unconscious in an elevator, and Minnesota Vikings player Adrian Peterson (29) being indicted for reckless injury to a child after he admitted “whooping” his 4-year-old son with a “switch” which prosecutors say was actually a tree branch with the leaves removed.

Roger Goodell

“Look. The violence belongs on the field. Not at home or while out for a relaxing night on the town. We know that. The players know that,” said Goodell (55).

“Since Michael Vick went to jail in 2007 for running a dog-fighting ring, our players have known they can’t even kick a puppy. They’ve stopped animal abuse completely as far as the league knows…and now our more than 600 players need to draw a new line on people abuse.”

Calls for Goodell to be fired have gained momentum and #CanGoodellsAss has become the most used hashtag on social media. Goodell has been NFL Commissioner since 2006 and earns $44 million per year.

“We’re also encouraging players to count to ten,” said Goodell (55).

“Temper, temper boys.”

William Yum
Reportering for The Lapine

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