“Nipple-twisting” brawl breaks out at NHL negotiations


Police were called in to separate NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and NHL Players’ Association Executive Director Donald Fehr after the two engaged in what witnesses are calling a “junior-high sissy fight” at contract negotiations in New York today.

“They were yelling at each other about who gets to keep the Air Miles and suddenly Bettman seemed to just lose his cool,” said Boston Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton, attending the meetings as a player rep.  “Bettman carefully unknotted his paisley tie, folded it, laid it on the table, then reach across and kinda bitch slapped Fehr across the head.  Then crazy screaming and wrestling broke out. Man those boys need some lessons.”

According to NYPD reports, the Commissioner had to be physically forced to “cease a back and forth hand twisting motion on a gray-white haired man’s nipple area as the two wrestled and spit at each other under the room’s board room table.”

Fehr’s brother, Steve, the players’ #2 negotiator, is reported to have had NHL Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly in a Greco Roman wrestling leg-hold but opened his legs and released Daly on orders from police.

“Ease it up boys…come on, you’re both done here…made your point!” NHL Referee Dan O’Halloran was reported to have shouted when he entered the room.  NHL disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan helped police separate the two sides and told media afterwards that he would be reviewing video of the incident.

With the possibility of a lock-out and another lost season for hockey fans, NHL players and management now seem farther apart than ever in reaching an agreement, and responses to the dust-up were quick and harsh.

“Bettman’s an asshole,” tweeted Brian Burke, President and GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

“These guys are pros?  They fight like little kiddies grabbing for the last chicken nugget,” posted one fan.

“Even I can fight better than these guys,” said Wayne Gretzky from Mexican Hockey League meetings in Cancun.

“Did you see Bettman’s hairsprayed comb-over hanging like an empty cup over his right ear? LMFAO,” tweeted Chicago Blackhawk winger Patrick Kane.

LA Kings Stanley Cup winning head coach Darryl Sutter, known for his dislike of social media, issued a hand written statement from his farm in Alberta in response to questions about the incident: “Got my canola off today.”

“Man oh man the Fehr brothers were dancing around like they had chipotle paste creamed between their butt cheeks,” posted Sean Avery, former NHL trash talking champion.

Pictures of the tussle originally posted on YouTube were quickly pulled down and brief statements were issued by both the NHL and the Players’ Association.

“The NHL regrets the actions of Mr. Fehr today.  We are disappointed to announce that there are no further negotiations scheduled,” read the terse release.

“Mr. Bettman is a weeny,” said the even shorter Players’ release.

No charges were laid but outrage among fans continues.

“The NHL’s nachos are shitty,” weighed in Toronto Mayor Rob Ford from the Crazy Creole Big Bowl diner.


Steve Boyd

Reporting For The Lapine



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