Non-Fornicating Gays Get Support of Mormon Church

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SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — The Mormon church has announced that they will push for new laws to protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people from discrimination as long as they sign a legal oath that they will never copulate ever again.

“These people deserve the same rights as normal people,” said church Apostle Jeffrey R. Holland in announcing the church’s new position.

“As long as they refrain from doing unGodly, unspeakable acts to each other.”

“The Mormon Church simply asks that they stop doing anything with each other’s anuses, vaginae, penises, nipples, mouths, or scrotums.”

“And no hand-holding.”

Practicing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) surveyed by the Utah News largely accepted the move which they believe protects their religious rights and freedoms while also allowing them to continue to selectively discriminate against anyone who does anything “icky”.

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“If you’re one of them and you’re celibate, we’ve got your back,” said a 64-year-old elder from Brigham City.

“But if I find out you’re swapping sloppy bodily fluids with others like yourself, I’ll still be able to fire you, refuse to rent you my basement suite, kick you out of my garage sale…those sorts of religious protections.”

“It’s a win-win as far as I can see.”

Democratic state Senator Jim Dabakis, who was raised Mormon and is openly gay, said he welcomes the Church’s gesture to extend discrimination laws beyond heterosexual single people and male-female married couples who engage in missionary-position sex, but said he is concerned by the conditions and loopholes of the new stance.

“So if a donut shop worker thinks you’ve just come from a raunchy romp with someone of the same sex, or if they think you’re transgender and just got up to Lord only knows what, they can still yank your Long John…so to speak?” said Dabakis.

Current Mormon church president Thomas Spencer Monson was unable to explain to the New York Times exactly what legal protections the church is supporting for “LGBTers” but said they now have the right to choose between abstinence or marrying someone of the same sex.

“We will protect the rights of these people if they do not engage in sexual acts the Church does not condone nor even want to picture,” said Monson.

“But we will also continue to protect the vital religious freedoms of good Mormons who object to being surrounded by people who take part in unnatural acts in pursuit of sexual titillation and orgasms.”

“Wallet-sized oath cards are now available as proof of agreement.”

Sue Dunum
Reportering for The Lapine

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