North Dakota Bans String Underwear

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BISMARCK – On the heels of passing legislation that will ban all abortions in the state, Republicans have voted to make it illegal to sell or loan any underwear that does not cover at least 50% of the wearer’s buttock cheeks.

“Scanty panties are a problem right here in Bismarck,” said Republican Governor Jack Dalrymple to reporters at the dedication ceremony for the opening of the late Lawrence Welk’s childhood home. “I seen a picture of a woman wearing lacy thongs in a magazine and it was just string with no yo-yo on the end.”

The Sensible Underwear Act (SB 2304) followed the Sperm-Plus-Egg Personhood Act (SB 2303) in being passed nearly unanimously by Dakota State Republicans and will now go to a ballot vote for all registered North Dakotans. These laws will effectively outlaw all abortions, and thong, string or suction underwear in the state with the most churches per capita (Wikipedia).

“Notice these guys are all guys? When they stick their noses in my underwear, they’ve gone too far!” bellowed the only Republican to vote against the Acts, State Rep Kathy Hawkins.

Clothing retailers were taken by surprise by the potential move to dictate what they can have on their underwear shelves with Wal-Mart, J.C. Penney, and Target all issuing brief statements that they will comply with the new law. Wal-Mart says it recently started selling Men’s thong underwear and sales have been strong largely due to the sports-themed pouches featuring logos of the Bismarck Bobcats (AWHL) and Fargo Beez (IBA), and to pouches with images from the 1970s TV show Police Woman, starring North Dakotan Angie Dickinson.

“North Dakota isn’t a big thong market anyway,” shrugged JCP regional sales manager Olaf Svensven. “We sold one pair last month from our Fargo store to a woman taking the Greyhound through to L.A. for a screen test.”

North Dakota has become known as one of the most isolationist, conservative states in the Union with census numbers showing the population of only 700,000 is 91% white, 86.5% Christian, and 78% of German or Norwegian ancestry. The state licence plates read, “Settle Down.”

“Panties are there to do a job,” said Grand Forks Lutheran Church spokesman Horst Wurst in announcing support for the ban. “To cover a woman’s wifely things. Never met a woman in thongs who wasn’t wanton, and wantin’ me to roll out the barrel.”

Robin Steel
Reporting for The Lapine

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