NSA Admits Spying on Gay Boy Scout Leaders
FORT MEADE, MD — The National Security Agency denied today that they gather detailed information on everyday heterosexual Americans.
But the Agency did admit they know everything about admitted homosexual Boy Scout and Cub leaders.
“Look, we spy on lesbian Girl Guide leaders too so it’s a very fair and even-handed approach to protecting America’s interests,” NSA Director Admiral Michael S. Rogers (U.S. Navy) told Fox News.
“If you don’t take part in deviant behavior, you have nothing to worry about.”
But the New York Times refuted the NSA’s claims that they do not gather personal information on every person from coast to coast.
The Times reported last week that virtually all American citizens have their social media, mail, banking, credit card transactions, and phone calls monitored by the NSA. The feature article revealed that the federal security agency maintains detailed “personal lifestyle and habits” files on all Americans right down to how much they tip at Olive Garden and their choice of free porn web sites.
But the NSA gives “special attention” to any adult showing signs of being “peculiar,” wrote researcher and reporter Miles deJong.
“The NSA’s computers scan every e-mail or Visa credit card transation looking for key words like ‘Muslim’ or any words related to anal sex,” he said.
“So if you buy Ben-Gay ointment with your Visa Card for a strained hamstring muscle, you’re on the gay watch list.”
The Boy Scouts of America issued a statement saying they “thank the NSA for their help” in “identifying and weeding out homo sexual (sic) Scout leaders…not that there’s anything wrong with gay men doing their thing somewhere else.”
“We made the decision to allow gay boys to join the Boy Scouts of America to be exposed to normal boys,” said National Akela Douglas Peters.
“But Scout leaders are role models and we can’t have fussy men poncing around at Jamborees.”
“We appreciate the heads-up from the NSA.”
Reportering for The Lapine