NSA to Offer Proof-Reading, Filter Services
WASHINGTON, DC — Months after the NSA admitted that it monitors the electronic and telephone communications of nearly every American citizen, the clandestine organization held a press conference on Monday to make an offer to We the People:
For a nominal fee that can be added to your monthly telephone and internet bills, the NSA will assign a personally designated NSA liaison to proof-read, filter, and redact text messages, emails, and other digital communications that you might later on regret. They also will offer call jamming to and from “problem” people in your lives that you would otherwise be too weak to brush off.
Firstly, any text messages that are sent after midnight, particularly on weekends, to any known ex-significant others or relatives will be pre-read and sent through, after being analyzed by what the NSA calls their “Algorithm of Shame”. Any messages containing keywords, in a negative context, can be edited to become a pleasantry, or totally denied, based on your preference.
Any repeated calls in the middle of a fight that go unanswered can be denied after a second attempt.
Drunk-dialling can now be a thing of the past.
An unnamed NSA representative told the Lapine, “Now that you know what we’re up to, you might as well take advantage of the billions of dollars that we’re spending on and off of the books to keep the servers running down here. Not to mention the countless lives that we’ve ruined or ended to keep things running smoothly and without further interruption.”
“Think of the possible Facebook messages to the girl we know you’ve never stopped e-stalking after high-school, like the emotionally crippled person we’ve been able to determine that you are. We could stop that for you, because you won’t. Or the unnecessarily deep-cutting insults to your step-mother via text message we could help prevent, thus avoiding an all-out fight, yet again.”
“Never be tempted with putting your regrettably average genitalia on Vine, or sexting them to a would-be girlfriend, turned “friend”. These are all things that can be avoided with the assistance of our Organization.”
The new service, what some are now calling, “NSAving Grace”, will be available to the public in the beginning of September. Registration is available by speaking the phrase, “Yes, Master” into the microphone of your tablet, cellular phone or smart device. After which, you will receive a push-button notification or text confirmation from your new liaison.
The fee will automatically be added to your bill.
Reportering for The Lapine