Oil Industry Lays Off Thousands With Festive Sweaters as Parting Gifts

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CALGARY — With oil plunging below $60 a barrel, thousands of oil industry employees are suddenly being laid off, but with a touch of yuletide kindness.

Fashionable and fun Christmas sweaters.

“We’re putting a holiday smile on the faces of all our new ex-employees,” ExxonMobil VP of Human Resources Doug Brindle told CBC today.

“We made a list of ideas and checked it twice…hahaha…and thought what better way to wish these people a Merry Christmas and keep them warm this winter than by giving each of them a beautiful sweater?”

“This shows that oil companies aren’t just greedy, heartless corporations driven only to make big profits for shareholders…we care deeply about our employees…and the environment too.”

“It kinda touches you right here doesn’t it?” said Brindle, patting his own be-sweatered chest.

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Shell, BP, Chevron, Suncor, Syncrude, and ConocoPhillips also joined in the holiday spirit with sweater gifts for sacked employees, but Imperial Oil bucked the trend by giving fired workers the choice of a food hamper or a stylish toque, mitten and scarf set.

“Well isn’t this special? My family can’t eat a fucking sweater,” one fired worker told the Calgary Herald as he left a downtown office tower struggling with two Glad garbage bags and a box filled with his personal possessions.

“And the damn sweater’s even made from synthetic fiber…an oil by-product.”

The rapid collapse of world oil prices accelerated recently after the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Companies (OPEC) voted not to reduce production to address a global glut of oil largely attributed to the successes of new “chemical soups” used in fracking operations.

Alberta Premier Jim Prentice told the Edmonton Chamber of Commerce yesterday that his government wishes all the laid-off workers well and sent a shout-out to the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers (CAPP) for their “heartfelt sweater gesture” and for “putting people before profits”.

Prentice also announced that the Province will be changing its international marketing themeline from “We’ve Got Oil…Come and Get It!” to “Please Keep Digging Up Our Oil”.

Premier Prentice was sporting a bright acrylic “Ho Ho Ho” sweater during his speech.

Dan LeHomme
Reportering for The Lapine

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