Old, Rich Republicans Converting to Democrats on Deathbeds To Get To Heaven

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As more and more aging right wingers face their last gasps, they’re using those final words to try and get into heaven. By accepting the Democratic Party. This trend has become increasingly apparent among wealthy suburban residents of Texas, West Virginia and Georgia where religion and Republicanism are thoroughly mixed.

“I’ll miss my dead still-Republican friends who never had a chance to repent.” Said one former Republican.

It is estimated that in 2014, nearly 23% of Republicans renounced their party and swore themselves to the ideals of Jesus in their last moments; compared to only 14% in 2013. Some analysts estimate that rates will be as high as 40%.

This move has drawn ire from Christian and Republican leaders alike.

Most Christian leaders have stated that becoming a moral person concerned with the welfare of the poor and the state of the earth in one’s last moments, and for purely selfish reasons too, is not enough to get into heaven.

In the words of Pope Francis. “God is smarter than that.”

Meanwhile, prominent Republican leaders such as Ted Cruz have blasted such Republicans for their disloyalty to the corporate state. “When you commit yourself to our values of American superiority, money and money, you are not in for just in for life, you are in for eternity.” Said Cruz, strangely echoing several prominent Christian leaders almost word for word, though clearly with a different meaning in mind.

The Lapine encourages still-young Republicans to convert while their souls can still be saved.

Riley Cerswell
Reportering For The Lapine

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