Pope Declares That ‘Doggy Heaven’ Does Not Exist

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FLORENCE, ITALY — There is no doggy heaven, Pope Francis revealed this week.

Unaware that he was being covertly monitored during a recent visit to the Uffizi Gallery, he is reported to have made the comments in response to a question from one of his ministers.

A translated transcript of the video reads as follows:

“Jesus Christ, we’d have to have like a hundred heavens…one for every animal species on earth. It doesn’t say it in the Bible. I checked. Whale heaven? Kangaroo heaven? (unintelligible) You can’t have doggy heaven. The thing is dead. Deado. It’s never going to see life again. There’s one heaven and it’s for people. If animals went there it would be full of dinosaurs. And insects.”

“We are deeply alarmed by the Pontiff’s turn of phrase,” a Vatican spokesman confirmed in an apparent damage control statement. “If indeed that is what he said…which we sincerely doubt. We feel that the poor resolution and indistinct nature of both the video and the audio render it inadequate to irrefutably identify the Holy Seer.”

The dialog in question was captured by a skilled and experienced professional photographer using an iPhone with a steady cam attachment. From a helicopter.

Leo Thradington,
Reportering From The Lapine

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