Premier Christy Clark Prices Self Out Of Housing Market

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Vancouver, British Columbia, 2019 – Liberal MLA and premier of B.C., Christy Clark has fallen upon hard times. Through refusing to crack down on non-resident foreign investors in B.C. property, Premier Clark has managed to price herself out of a home.

The tragic events that would lead to Christy’s homelessness started last November when complaints from neighbours about “scuttling sounds” led to the discovery of a rat infestation in the Clark family Shaughnessy residence. Clark was forced to vacate to a hotel while pest control dealt with the infestation. What should have been a two day routine procedure quickly escalated when the house was assessed for damages and declared to be condemned.

The only option left for Ms. Clark was to purchase a new home, which she inevitably discovered was much too expensive.

Clark has never been one to be defeated by a glaringly obvious truth however. Rather than go back on her 2015 stance on taxation of foreign home buyers, the Premier decided to upgrade her education so that she could demand a higher income and once again be able to purchase a home.

The tragedy, sadly, wasn’t quite over yet for our province’s adamant leader. While submitting her application to S.F.U., it was discovered that due to a small clerical error on behalf of an unnamed Minister of Education, Christy Clark had never actually graduated from elementary school, let alone post secondary…

This brings us to present day. Christy Clark is launching a Kickstarter campaign to crowdfund her education. Unwilling to subject herself to the subpar instruction and social squalor of public school, our province’s unshaken leader asks that we all reach deep into our hearts, and our pockets, to help her achieve her dream of attending one of Vancouver’s top private schools.

Clark has even gone so far as to cut her hair to more closely resemble Canadian pop icon Justin Bieber in order to garner public support. Moreover, she has volunteered to do Canada goose impressions via webcam for anyone willing to back her campaign.

We took the liberty of reaching out to Hong Kong based real estate tycoon Jiang Wu to ask him if he will be investing in Clark’s education and hopeful return to the Vancouver housing market. Despite our best efforts, his people insist he is too busy “not giving a rat’s ass” to comment.

Sir Glen Bevel
Reportering for The Lapine

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