President Putin Aide Arrested for Offering BenGay for Backside Injury


MOSCOW- Immediately after sustaining a bruising “lower backside” injury while training with young Olympic wrestling hopefuls, Russian President Vladimir Putin had a top military official hand-cuffed and arrested after the man gave the leader a tube of BenGay Penetrating Heat Ointment.

The arrest was in accordance with Russia’s new rigid laws clamping down on any reference at all to homosexuality.

“Homosexualers?  For our children, these pickle-to-pickle people do not exist,” said General Hlad Bryzolobe of the Red Army National Security Agency (RANSA).  “The President rejected this mentholated propaganda cream.”

Russia is being widely criticized for legally denying the existence of anyone who is LGBT or knows what LGBT stands for, but the country has gone ahead in imposing the laws, most recently banning the translated version of the Christmas carol “Deck the Halls” because of its reference to “Don” putting on “gay apparel.”

Many Russians refer to gay men by the derogatory term romocekyanets (pronounced “pffloofters”) and the recent laws have resulted in bolder and more violent public displays of prejudice against anyone suspected of being homosexual or having glanced down at another man’s member at the public unccyaps (urinals).

Concerns about how the harsh laws will affect travellers and athletes for the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, Russia, have led to organized Olympic boycotts in more than a dozen countries despite one Russian official’s assurances that “male happys and female happys” will not be treated any differently.

“Tourist happys won’t even know we know,” said the official.  “And athlete happys will have their own wonderful housing in the Athletes’ Village.”

In the U.S., bars and restaurants that support everyday equal treatment for LGBT people have begun flushing Stoli Vodka down toilets with a twist of lemon, an olive, or a cherry, a movement that is putting pressure on the Russian-owned Stolichnaya Company and its Kentucky-based distributor.

“Putin is afraid of BenGay because it was the word Gay in it?” laughed a spokesperson for the U.S. manufacturer Johnson & Johnson.

“Does he know it’s an analgesic?  That outta pucker his sphincter.”

William Yum

Reportering for The Lapine



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