Pretentious Assholes Warned of Increase in Apple Watch Muggings


Yuppies-In-Short-Pants-SizedNEW YORK — Police across North America are warning yuppies with more money than brains to stop poncing about flashing their Apple Watches to show they’ve got it going on and you don’t.

“Unless you want your skinny ass mugged, leave the Apple Watch at home in your loft,” NYPD patrol sergeant Clive Schtuck told the NY Times this morning after 31 yuppies and hipsters reported they were “like totally accosted” last night in the Upper East Side.


“Looking at your Apple Watch every 5 seconds is like wearing a sign that says, “I’m a pompous dick with a fat wallet and I’m wearing gold chains.” Come and get me.”

“Hell, I’d probably roll ya’.”

Police in other major cities including L.A., Toronto, Chicago, and Montreal are also reporting a rash of recent Apple Watch muggings and are advising young posers to stay on well-lit streets and travel in packs.


The Toronto Star reported today that street muggers they interviewed say they’re robbing Apple Watch wearers not for their watch or money but because “they deserve it”.

“Man, when I mug a guy flashing one of those watches, it makes me feel kinda warm and fuzzy inside,” the Star quotes one blue-jeaned mugger working the streets outside the Keg in the Financial District.

“Like I’m doing something good for society…giving something back.”

NYPD say there is bugger all they can do to stop the popular mugging trend.

Lee Whey
Reportering for The Lapine



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