Putin: Call of the Wild. In Theaters February 28th, 2015

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NEW YORK – It is being called Putin: Call of the Wild and critics maintain that, comprising roughly 2.3% of Russia’s budget, it will be the most expensive movie ever made.

With a length of twenty-three hours and including fifty thousand Russian infantrymen standing in as extras it will certainly be one of the longest and largest feature films ever produced.

“Big, larger than life, visually stunning, this movie is me personified,” is how Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin described the upcoming film. He would know, playing all lead roles in the film, as well as being the movie’s director, producer, cameramen, and virtually everything else, as a sneak peek at the end credits proved. He is the man behind the madness.

A Skilled Fisherman

A Skilled and Sexy Fisherman

A brief synopsis of the plot provided to us centers on the exploits of President Putin, who plays himself. The film begins when imperialist pawn-rebels rise up against the Russian government in conjunction with a massed Western invasion of the homeland. At this time Putin is living in a poor but idyllic Slavic village on the coast of the Black Sea. He spends the summer days teaching the villagers how to fish and hunt and the men how to satisfy their women. One sex scene between Putin and a young, hot and needy village girl is reportedly over two hours long and verging on hardcore porn. This certainly breaks the world record for longest sex scene ever captured on film.

Yet as the invasion unfolds, unable to withstand the Western hordes, the Kremlin falls to the imperialists. Russian soldiers are murdered as they cry to their global brothers that war is never the answer. Betrayed on all sides, having trusted the honor of his debauched allies, Putin, ever the reluctant warrior, is forced to take up arms. First, he tries vainly to negotiate, but when American Bombers reduce the idyllic village he had been staying at to ruins and blow the hot and needy village girl to pieces before his eyes, he vows vengeance.

 

Putin Leading Solo Recon Mission

Putin Leading Solo Recon Mission

With the Russian army in disarray, its proud people cowed, and Western Special Forces trying to track him down, Putin personally takes up the resistance. Wandering alone through the Russian wilderness, pleasing passing village girls in uncomfortably long sex scenes and building friendships with animals, his resolve only hardens.  Taming a pack of Siberian bears that he learns to ride, Putin rallies the spirit of Mother Russia.  After conducting a series of dangerous recon missions on the backs of giant birds he gains valuable insight on the enemy’s deployments, and the admiration of more needy village girls

Sickened by the atrocities the foreigners are committing, murdered babies, tortured Orthodox nuns, Putin leads his army bear-back and wins victory after unstoppable victory. After defeating Arch-Tyrant Barack Obama (portrayed by Putin wearing blackface) in a martial arts duel amongst the ruins of the Kremlin, the imperialists sue for peace and Russia is saved. Ever the reluctant leader, Putin grudgingly agrees to lead and help rebuild the country once again, still dreaming of a simpler time, of a needy girl and little village on the Black Sea.

As of press time, the feature film’s worldwide theatrical release had been set at February 28th. Reports indicate that Russian audiences will not be able to leave the theater for any reason during its 23 hours of screen time. We at The Lapine eagerly anticipate the release of what may be the greatest and most original movie of our time.

Ryan Cerswell
Reportering for The Lapine

 

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