Putin Has Hots for Hillary — Dumps Wife on TV

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MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimar Putin shocked his nation by announcing his divorce from the mother of his two daughters, Lyudmila, on live TV.

Then in a sit-down interview, the former KGB spy shocked the world when he admitted he has become “lusty” for former U.S. First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

“She is beauty on legs,” said Putin (61), boyishly blushing in front of the cameras as he nervously clenched and unclenched his hands.

“She is a man in so many ways but a woman in so many other ways.”

Admitting that people will doubt his chances of ever being able to “go all Russian” with Mrs. Clinton (65), the secretive man many call a dictator said he has never lost a challenge.

“Hillary will be President of the United States soon,” said Putin as he got back into his studio chair after doing a dozen one-armed pushups. “And I will still be President of Russia. Love in politics is natural. One of us will lunge for the other at a State function. I am not sure who will lunge first.”

Known for jailing his opponents, Putin (prounounced “pooh-tin”) has also built his macho persona by performing such feats as wrestling a tiger, swimming naked with sharks during rutting season, Formula 1 race car driving, and famously tranquilizing a crazed, rampaging polar bear before removing an absessed tooth from the beast with only a soup spoon. The calmed bear later posed for pictures with the shirtless leader who had just eased his pain.

Hillary Clinton’s spokesperson, Debra Denorez, said Mrs. Clinton would not be making a statement on the Russian leader’s comments but Republican House Speaker John Boehner (prounced “boner”) told MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough “this smells of another Obama anti-American scandal.”

President Bill Clinton was quoted by Fox News as saying, “Hahahahahahahaha.”

Michael Cook
Reportering for The Lapine

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