Putin on Tinder — Swipes Right for Peace in Ukraine
WASHINGTON — For months, tense negotiations seeking peace in Ukraine have been tied to helping post-divorce Russian President Vladimir Putin lift the crippling western sanction off his own flaccid penis.
That big issue has now been dealt with.
Today, Secretary of State John Kerry announced that an agreement has been reached between Russia and the United States called “Minsk-Tinder 3” in which Putin has agreed to put a stop to the fighting in East Ukraine in exchange for the U.S. granting the Russian President access to the previously-sanctioned American hook-up app “Tinder.”
Previous attempts at a ceasefire (Minsk 1 and 2) failed because they did not contain any provisions to fix President Putin’s dormant love life.
During Minsk 2 talks, it was reported that French President François Hollande had apparently offered Putin one of his 85 mistresses in exchange for a ceasefire, but Putin declined saying he did not want a “French croissant hoe.”
Immediately following the agreement of Minsk-Tinder 3, the Kremlin put Mr. Putin’s profile up on Tinder.
It shows that “Vlad Putin” has an age preference of between 18-90 within a range of 4000 miles, in the wide hopes of finding the thirsty Russian President a match. The Kremlin has reportedly hired two cheap Russian prostitutes who have begun taking turns swiping right for 12 hours at a time.
Update- 30 hours following the ceasefire, President Putin (62) has yet to receive a match.
Reportering for The Lapine