Quebec Bans The Use Of Lawnmowers

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Despite the decimation of the Bloc Quebecois in the last federal election, Quebec has managed to pass a controversial new law to protect French culture within the province. Bill 92, introduced by the Bloc Quebecois, bans residents of Quebec from using lawnmowers. Daniel Paillé, the leader of the Bloc Quebecois hailed the new bill as historic and groundbreaking.

Lawnmowers were first invented in Britain during the 1820s, since then they have become a manifestation of cultural imperialism; spreading British culture around the globe. Naturally, the French of Quebec fear having themselves voluntarily adopt a British culture and thus, in the fight against forced voluntary assimilation, have outlawed lawnmowers. Daniel Paillé addressed a crowd on Monday to address the new law. “This is a proud day for Quebec. Lawnmowers and other British things have pervaded and weakened our culture and language. Now we can move on to more important things, we can outlaw more English inventions.” The Bloc Quebecois leader’s speech, continuing on for a further three hours, was greeted with widespread applause.

Once considered a crucial part of modern suburban life in Quebec, many homeowners are struggling to find a replacement for the lawnmower. For some however, the answers lie in the pages of history. As Pierre Montagnes, a high school history teacher from Montreal put it. “Before the English cultural invention holocaust, we French maintained our lawns, well we mostly didn’t have them but the rich that did have lawns would have servants shear them regularly; you know, with shears. Can you just imagine how peaceful shearing a lawn would be? And imagine what this will do for the economy, think of how how many employment opportunities this will open up. Shearing lawns will be a whole new occupation for young people.”

While not one of our reporters spoke to had actually ever ‘sheared’ a  lawn before; we imagine that the many back-breaking idealized hours it would take would be very nice to imagine. With the widespread popularity of this new ‘lawnmower’ bill, and still struggling to stay relevant, the Bloc Quebecois have proposed banning more inventions which carry corrupting English influences, these include crossword puzzles, internal combustion engines and light bulbs. Perhaps, within our time we will get to see a vastly poorer but yet happier Quebec made from the reality that the perceptive Bloc Quebecois envision. That, The Lapine agrees, would be a great thing not only for Quebec, but also, somehow, maybe, for us all?

Carl Wellensry

Reporting For The Lapine

 

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