Rewritten Gideon Bible Gooses Gays

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The book that made motel bedside tables famous has been edited into a new edition Bible that portrays gay men as “swishies who think about nothing but bums.”

“Any man who plants corn in another man’s back yard shall be put to death,” reads an entirely new passage in Leviticus 20:13a.

Other passages forbid males holding hands, sharing personal thoughts, swapping clothing other than “coats made from the wool of a ram”, blowing air kisses, or greeting each other with jazz hands.

“It’s kind of like football really,” said Kirk Cameron, former Growing Pains’ character Mike Seaver, now a self-described “Anti-Poofter Pastor” commenting on the new Bible. “You can’t pass to an ineligible receiver.”

More than 2.5 billion traditional Gideon Bibles have been distributed to motels, hotels and prisons around the world since 1899. The Nashville-based company was purchased in 2012 by Billy Graham through his non-profit company Big Billy G Corporation, and the first copies of the 82 million new-version, heavily-edited and rewritten Bibles have already been distributed in Thailand and San Francisco.

Reactions have been minimal as Big Billy did not make a media or public announcement about the homophobic editorial changes to the Bible, but Papa John’s Pizza owner John Schnutter said he supports the new “good book” and will be offering a free copy to his pizza customers.

“Just order a small John’s Sausage,” said the father of 11.

“This Bible tells it like it should be,” said Walter Seltzer, Editorial Assistant to God at Gideons’ International. “Church and State agree on this…even the U.S. Constitution says “We the People form a perfect union to secure liberty to ourselves and our posteriors.” No American posterior is safe with gays flickering around.”

“Look upon your fellow man face to face with your eyes on his eyes not on the confluence of his legs,” reads a new verse in Matthew.

“Whoever sashays will be poor but the man who strides will attain much wealth,” reads the altered Proverbs 12:27.

“Look. Gay boys shouldn’t get all gassey about this…don’t take it personally,” said Seltzer. “What they do is evil yucky but it was just their turn. The 2014 Bible really stomps on Muslims.”

Robin Steel
Reporting for The Lapine

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