Russian Men have Moldy Livers by Age 55 — Vodka Distillers Proud

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ST. PUTINSBERG — Russia’s vodka makers are delighted over a new finding that their strong product cannot be resisted by young and middle-aged men, according to an interview published in The Lancet, the world’s foremost medical journal.

“Sure lots of young men die from getting into fights with shovels,” Stolli Protopopoff, Grand Director of the Russian Distillers’ Association, is quoted as saying.

“But this study it proves that Russia makes the best vodka in the world.”

“We die young but what lots of fun we have.”

The Lancet journal reports on a study — believed to be the largest of its kind ever undertaken — by researchers from Russia, Oxford University and the World Health Organization that tracked the drinking patterns of 151,000 adults in three Russian cities over 10 years. They concluded that Russian men drink more Vodka daily than is served at most wedding receptions (excluding bachelor uncles).

It also found that more than 74% of alcoholic Russian men are impotent or only able to attain “bladder boners”.

Causes of death detailed in the study include liver and heart disease, alcohol poisoning, violence, accidents, and stumbling off into the woods never to be seen again.

“Nowhere else you can find vodka you can drink, burn, even run your Lada car on,” Protopopoff told Reuters news agency following publication of the study results.

“And our vodka is smoooooth.”

Asked about the shortened life expectancy for Russian men as a result of swilling vodka, Stolli Protopopoff shrugged.

“Some like milk on Honey Nut Cheerios in morning. Some like Russian vodka. It’s a democracy.”

 
Jim Garner
Reportering for The Lapine

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