Scientists Discover New Law — It’s Not Creepy If You’re Hot


Scientists at New York University have discovered that how a modern-day romantic’s overt declarations of love are considered can be expressed through the following equations.

Ugly Guy = Creepy BUT Hot Guy Flirting = Cute

Thus, whether overt flirting today can be considered cute or really creepy depends entirely on how ‘hot’ the guy is. This is in notable contrast to Victorian times when whether such actions were ‘debasing and satanic’ or “right charming” was dependent on a complex combination of noble lineage and land (or slaves) held. Sadly, neither land, slaves nor ancestors carry a large influence anymore.

The data painfully gathered over many thousands of experiments, confirmed a causative relationship in how ‘hot’ the test subject was and how sweet versus creepy the action was. The results are shown in the concise line graph below.

The experiments were inspired by the Head Scientist’s experiences of getting arrested after holding a playing boombox over his head outside his love-interest’s house after being twice spurned.

“I not only saw it on TV, but that asshole Jake did it, like twice. And it worked! Melissa said it was really sweet.” He said, eyes reddening slightly before continuing. “Then I tried to write a song for her, I even learned guitar, only to have everyone call me desperate and creepy.”

Most of the other scientists on the project, also asking to remain anonymous, had experienced similar problems.

Wellington Wellingworth
Reportering for The Lapine



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